The fairy tales got it wrong. Not every ‘Stepmother’ is evil. Unfortunately, the perpetuation of the stereotype has rocked the bedrock of my being. I was a hardworking, accomplished energetic 30-something with interests in arts, sports, academia and religion and somehow was labeled as a naive, directionless kid that was marrying a divorcee with two children for the sole reason of replacing their biological mothers.
I certainly understand the discomfort that could be attached to the recognition of another strong influence in the life of a child but my experience was crushing. For years (and I may say even unto present time), I was undermined and challenged. The goals of my marriage and home were mocked. Private conversations were had about my experience, limitations and stipulations that I should be given within the confines of my own home and relationship. I was criticized for everything from my appearance, to my faith; From my nicknames, to my interests.
I would like to offer this: maybe not every stepparent is evil. Further, maybe some really do care. The badgering made for thick skin but I had to be conscious not to make for a hard heart. Certainly, I can understand the concern a parent must have when sharing a child with a stranger. Who are they? What will they say or do? How will they influence my child? I can affirm those fears are legitimate; But it is possible for someone not of blood, to care. We may do things differently. But what I have learned is, 'every mouse needs their own hole.' One of the greatest problems with not being a 'traditional family' is a mouse can only run their own hole. What this means is, though we would like to determine the moves of what is done in a different household, we cannot. Not without conflict, even if it is originally well-intended. I obviously agree, the communication between co-parent groups is necessary and the will of either party should not be ignored or neglected but having been on the receiving side of malicious mis-characterizations, we, the stepparent, are not all evil.
Truth is, for my older daughters, I want the world. It is possible for me to love them too. Certainly in a different way than their own mothers that carried them in their bellies and listened to the heartbeat, and watched their body change as a sacrifice of giving life. But I can in encouraging them in their class work, having honest and meaningful heart-to-hearts, creating lifelong memories and supporting family unity. I can as I teach them my recipes and invest in their interest. I can offer them support and perspective. I can introduce them to activities and encourage them to build stronger relationships with their biological parents, siblings and extended family. I even believe in creating special solo moments for them with their birth parent. I simply disagree with a stepparent needing to negotiate the terms of their imprisonment to cover insecurity, guilt, anger, disapproval or frustration. It is not my will to replace the parent who quite literally sacrificed their life for this child. And I would say, for many of us, we have no desire to etch any parent out of the picture. Certainly a responsible parent should be cautious; look for signs of concern be aware. Talk to you child about their experience. But don't plant seeds of hate or spread falsities to discredit or undermine. I understand this may be an uncomfortable adjustment for all parties; A process of growth. Your kid did not ask to be a part of adult decisions but, may I suggest, it is possible for love to be shared even when the same chromosomes are not.
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