Sometimes we simply don’t see the signs. Sure we know the obvious ones: Is He Flirtatious? Is She Hardworking? Are they respectful? But what about the signs that are a little more discrete? What about the ones that are so casually overlooked because the red flag they wave match the tint of my colored lenses and and I cannot differentiate?
We must not offer legitimacy to the facade while ignoring the shining light that seeps through the cracks of the closed door. Do not dismissing that great unction you feel in lieu of having company. Often when we don't see the signs, we feel them.
I certainly understand, Relationships can be tricky, we are constantly evaluating the other and ourselves in during the dating period: Are my standards to high? Are they deceiving me? Am I settling?Are they 'the one'? Is this normal? These questions are important. Ask them and be certain. That is not to say you will not be nervous but it is to say you are grounded and settled without question of the integrity of the person.
In our union, we want to be completely free. Void of the foundation concerns and questions of deep character flaws. We are all in the process of growth and none without fault but we must be intentionally vigilant and mindful as we consider our lifelong teammate. To this end, I would like to offer a few Overlooked Red Flags that I have observed along my own bumpy, journey.
1. Observe how your partner treats or talks about wait staff. It doesn’t matter if it’s the checker at the grocer or the doorman at the restaurant. How your potential mate or partner speaks to those that he/she believes cannot offer them anything but service. This will speak volumes about their character. Additionally, what do they do with their basket in the parking lot or trash at a fast food diner. To the one that leaves the cart in the street to take up parking spaces or carelessly pushes it towards other baskets without regard to cars saying, "Someone will get it; I don't work here" Or when the location and signage are clear that trash must be disposed of by the guest. Please make note.
2. Listen to how they talk about money. Do they talk about commodities or assets? How do they want to acquire more: Hard work? Business Ventures? Lottery winnings? Whatever the plan, make sure you are comfortable with this someday being a part of your long-term strategy.
3. Behaviors of Entitlement or Competition. An entitled person will believe that they are owed or that others are indebted to them. A competitive person sees everyone as someone to beat. It is okay to have drive to be and want to pursue greatness but it is dangerous, particularly in marriage, to connect to a person that will possibly see you as someone that owes them or see you as someone they must consistently win against. Listen to how they respond to your accomplishments and goals. Are they encouraging and gently nudging to to greatness or do they feel it necessary to challenge your goals with potential negative outcomes while referencing their own expertise and accolades.
4. How do they talk to or about children & pets. Of course, it is alright not to want either. But the tone is critical in which they communicate is critical. Is it violent or aggressive? Is their a sense of malice? Or contrarily, is it fearful or sorrowful? You may uncover something about your partner by simply paying attention to tone, if their actions don’t betray them first.
5. How do they behave when they are frustrated or angry. Are they demeaning, dismissive, or passive aggressive. Remember during the dating period, the best pictures are being painted. These behaviors are easily covered with “I’m sorry I should not have said that or behaved that way but just make note this could lead to some challenging days ahead.
Now, for those that read this brief list and have found themselves on the other side of “I Do”. There is hope, if you so chose. Gently converse with your spouse about these concerns, find a trusted confident that will offer wise council on best strategies or attend counseling to assist with what may be a little something deeper.
Take some time for self reflection, do you posses any other these Red Flags? If so, what do you need to do to make the very necessary changes
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