"I’m sorry." A phrase we teach children when they take another kids toy. Then, an intentional exchange adults oversee understanding that an apology is expected to be coupled with a change in behavior. So what then happens as we become adults? "I'm sorry" simply doesn’t matter when your actions betray your words. If you are truly apologetic then something in your demeanor and behavior should bare witness. It is not enough to promise in rhetoric but fail in effort.
Sadly, in marriage partners often feel they have the liberty to say 'sorry' and grow into the actions of apology. Certainly, there is room to evolve but too often lost in the vows of commitment is the expeditious energy in actions. Effort is the proof of language.
It seems as though we have lost the ability to empathize with the offended. That their hurt, pain or even frustration requires our approval and understanding to be legitimate. It is simply not true. That is egotism. Because it seems worth revisiting, let's discuss Apologies & Forgiveness.
In apology, five things are required:
1. The words “I am sorry” or "I apologize" for both the original action and how that action made your partner feel.
2. Acknowledge the other person's feeling as valid (You do not have to understand them at this point. Just offer the humanity that their feelings mater because they matter)
3. Explain the original intent without dismissing the offensive behavior. Take responsibility.
4. Both commit to improve and then actually improve
5. Affirm the other persons value to you and that the change is important because you want to make sure that they feel heard, respected and important.
At times, an apology may needs support:
1. In all cases of infidelity (emotional or physical), counseling is mandatory. “I’m sorry. It wont happen again” will not be enough to reestablish open communication and trust.
2. When an offense is coupled with a tragic event. During challenging times, if a partner is wounded in discussion or otherwise, counseling may be needed. For example if during the death of a loved one, you all get in a fight. Your partner may couple the two events into one and struggle determining the difference.
3. When the rules of the relationship are broken. Generally couple's early on establish boundaries: 'I won't talk to that person' or 'I will not sharing the intimate private details about my partner's past' or 'I will not hang out that friend's home' etc. If these rules are broken, counseling may be needed because a bedrock of the relationship has been tampered with and trust has been compromised.
4. If either partner struggles with depression, alcohol abuse or drug abuse. To protect not just the marriage but the individuals.
5. In cases of suicidal thoughts or actions based on the behaviors of the other person in the relationship.
When separation (temporary or permanent) may be needed:
1. In cases of physical abuse
2. In cases of infidelity
3. In cases of suicidal thoughts or actions based on the behaviors of the other person in the relationship.
After an offense, we then must discuss forgiveness. Forgiveness is both instant and a process. It is the decision to forgive, and then the intentional moment to moment actions of forgiveness. What forgiveness is not: (1) passive aggressive communication (2) controlling/accusatory conversation or (3) condescending reminders of past behaviors. However, compassionately expressing concern regarding past behaviors is perfectly accptable. For example, your mate has broken your trust by talking to an ex without telling you. They apologized but it hurt because, you 'found out' as opposed to them being forthcoming and honest. You forgive them after they offer a heartfelt and honest apology but the wound is still there. Sometime later, you all are going to a family gathering and know the ex will be there. Your mate tries to offer a solution by suggesting that your don't go but you do not want to forego the event, so you decide to attend. Within the context of a conversation about going to the event, it would be acceptable to ‘bring up the past: “I have to admit, I am concerned. Your ex will be there and I am feeling uncomfortable. Not only that you were in a relationship with them but since you and I have been together you conversed and did not tell me." We simply must allow our partner's the time and space to heal by tending to the wounds we cause “I understand your concern and I want to do whatever is possible to make sure you feel comfortable. Again, I am sorry that I planted a seed of doubt in your mind. I am only interested in a relationship with you. You are my priority and if we go you just tell me what you need from me so you feel secure and comfortable.
Sadly, sometimes forgiveness is necessary even when no apology was offered. Learning how to communicate one's feelings and how to hear them is a skill that takes intentional effort.
Saying I am sorry is not enough. As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words (but you do still have to say it)
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